Dare Not~

190512, sat.. Clear night

Nothing much, sitting alone at pool. Just had liquor to ease my complicated feelings in me. 

Today spent alot of time to see Ella & her hubby happenings and wedding. Felt so happy for her and him. 

Deeply, freaking envy the magnificent love between them, in them. Love the way it feels. 

Deeply, thinking how I wish that I able to have such mr right. Ain't need to be rich or good looking. Everything is moderate will do, mostly important it's the loyalty and sincere love yet caring which meant everything in LOVE. 

Too bad, sadly to admit that I still believe in LOVE BUUUUTTTTTT I yet still to take the risk of LOVE. 

All these while, I had bare toooooooo much which now I'm unable to take on comparison..

commitment.. jealousy.. curiosity..fear of breaking.. 

The hurt and drought moments to climb up, its painful and unbearable....

In short, I dare not love. Seriously, I dare not. That's the real me as of now. 

We will see when time comes... 

 Love,
Vinns

Happy 2012! VS is BACK! =]

~Lesson Learnt to face Future. Thanks for everything, Past. Past, you build who I am now. I'm READY!~

*020112, Monday.. Clear Night*

Brand New Year,2012. Well, a great year I had during 2011. Lots of happenings which craved memorable moments that I walked with everyone, anyone. No matter is happy or sad, indeed was a remarkable moment. Looking back, the recent exact 3 months ago, it was The End of one of my life chapter. Exactly 3 months.
However, it's Good & Glad. As I'm not a fool who allow you to fool, play & betray my love & trust. You're indeed a Absolute Fantastic Lover. Undeniable fact. However, deeply glad as its over among You & I as everything is d end when your heart belongs to others & you are the one making the initiative 1st. Magnificent! Every now & then, I will still think that you are so great to be able to ensure both side so DARN well. Fook sai lei!
"Tin Mong Fui Fui", God allow me to know the actual fact of reality reason of the Main Cause of its Off which acknowledge me that every kind of human also will behave such betrayal.

Believe it, that I'm Back. Back on track. Absolutely clear of my route ahead. No more wandering around and losing myself. Crystal clear of my goal. Those heartache & disappointment is all over, fullstop. No more mm xiee tuck, missing or what so ever rubbish. Thankful of how I am now and striving to be much better. I found myself back!^^
Living up all alone aint that bad. Walking path alone brings the another dimension of me,my thoughts. Really good.

2012, New Year Revolution
=>> To dive & drill towards something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT with what I have & how I am now by 31st Dec 2012. *Assuring there's a obvious difference in me*

Love,
Vinns

Gray-Scaled Days...

~Be thankful of their existence in life~

*101211, fri.. rainy night*

Alright, it had been a week since I'm back to Singapore from Msia. Well, what makes a difference, actually is nothing. Whether I'm at SG or MY makes no difference (to you or anyone), that's the main point.

"Vinns, face it! Be realistic and please stay awake at ALL time! Can't you??? "
I often remind myself. Hmm... I know.. I truly know all these facts and the reality but its the heart and feelings is still showering me. Stop... please stop, don't haunt me. I already feel that I'm not myself at all. I really do.
Cause, I'm indeed how I am as per the email I wrote to you 2 years ago in Journey of My Love which I bet that it won't ever rings a bell to you. If you only see this blog, If only you see back the emails.. hmm.. and next action is that you will delete it...
Every single words in it represents exactly how I am. Is Exactly.

Last weekend, going office at 1am till the next day 2pm. Even This whole week was terrible hustle to me as waking up at 8plus am and reach home earliest at 1am plus to 4am. $$$ is hard earned. However, I does not like the environment. Not happy working. Don't ask me why. I don't know. I might not be extremely good but I just have my stands to ensure what is wrong and right.

Busy days help alot in many ways. At least, all I had in mind is to sleep and work only. This is the recent me.
A person who does not think much of the future. Flowing exactly how the water flows without any precaution (Tired of it). Does not hope and not being imaginative (as no one really will know what will happen the next hour; I experienced it_many in sudden occur just like that and impact your life ENTIRELY). Thus, I could be really frank that I have nothing in mind as just passing one day by the other. No goal or destination yet a grey journey. Its not that I give up in life, but its just that I walk without a soul or a motive, it seems to be naturally.

The great lost causes me lost and even lose the entirely ambitious & confident Vinns SYN. However, your existence indeed shapes how I am and coloured my life beautifully+joyfully with memorable moment and now its all gray-scaled.
While, you are enjoying every single bit of your time happiily at this every second, I really do envy you. Envy you that a person who used to love me so much and deep yet an apple of the eye to you, now could let go just like that and enjoying new environment/surroundings. How did you do it? Salute...

At times, I really hope, one fine day, i lost my memory. All memories. All these while, my life is meaningful when your shadow reaches mine. I walked with pride and love. Now, since its gone, I often hope that, it will be gone with my memories,together it disappears and erased, as in all of it since I'm born. At least, I could be a white paper. Start everything again. All over again...I don't mind.

Rising up alone is harsh... darn harsh and tough...painful~
God, please do take me with you if you feel that I'm mentally tortured and suffered enough.
Although, daily seems nothing but deeply in me, heart bleeds. Non-stop silently...

Vinns

Passing By, Going Through...On my own

~indeed, only in heart...silently~

131111, sunday..rainy day

To make an effort to write this blog had taken me alot. I traveled from Aljuneid>DhobyGhout>City Hall>Bugis, just look for places to online. Its either the place is packed/no plug/no wireless. Then, by the moment want to leave and I spotted a corner place which where I am now, Starbucks Bugis under the Sun...
over.
Looking back, there's about a month plus that its already over. Yes indeed. I'm all alone. Although I know dt I got alot of friends supporting me, backing me up.. I deeply appreciate it, darlings.
However, my wounded heart has a very very deep scar which is still healing slowly although I tried to keep myself OK & happy in everyone's eyes. I smiled. I laughed. However, if i cry, i will cry alone, wets my pillow silently. I dont wana them to worry about me, and I know that i'm a fool who often daydreaming about nothing.

Frankly, I lost the spark in me. Seriously. I lost my direction. I don't see a point that I'm heading to. Being at SG or MY, I don't see a point. I don't see my value to exist anymore. This is bad. I'm indeed making effort to search it back, because now I'm on my own. Before, I always have someone to uphold me and to walk on with me at all time. No matter what, I have someone to go through with me. Hmm..But now I.. know that I have to accept this. Accepting it. I'm on my own.

Besides, I know that you are doing good now. Glad to hear that. Going through life happily with your frens, which my existence makes no difference in you. Your life is only coloured by them and everyone but just excluding me. Whether I exist anymore also would not even impact you. I wonder.. is it really so? It seems that I'm totally being erased from your heart and mind. Well, probably I'm really not good enuf for you nor not worthy it to accommodate in your heart which others deserve better.

Now and always, you are my greatest friend..my soulmate..
I'm aint sure that I still love you anot (I tried to ignore this as its not important to anyone anymore), all I know is that, I hope you are happy.. everyone is happy...That's enough..

Love,
Vinns

Emo Surroundings conquereD~

*061011, thurs…thunderstorm*

Once I’m awake, I roll awhile. I made a decision to act you as my diary. Daily, I have to read a eDairy to you to ensure you & I still have ‘muk khai’ and at least I have a space for me to express myself. 

Thinking back awhile, just awhile… Had a strong thought, I need to walk through this, concentrate well in my work as my boss did appreciate and offers me an opportunity to extend in SG.

Thus, whole day, my work’s momentum was good. Had a great conversation with you, love the way we still can communicate as great friends. Although my heart is still aching yet la g la g, hmmm.. its still under control. Everything was alright, though my mind do appears the special feeling once awhile.

However, I lost. Lost to the God. At late evening, it was raining… Very very heavily, with thunderstorm & lightings..My heart was weak. Paining again. Hmm.. I thought I could rate myself 100% but I lost. Such weather, it reminds me alot alot stuffs. Such a emo surrounding Especially when you told me your weekend plans & staying over, reminds me about our 1^st holiday together.

It was one of our meaningful journeys that we shared together. 

Flashing bak our every single moment we shared, how we went there, how we waited for room, the snacks & food we brought up, the movies that we watch together and together we share our sweet moments. What exactly we felt, its me & you only…

Sigghhhhhh….Its only all memories, that I flashing all alone by myself…

Wondering that will you ever think of me when you’re there? Will you ever flash the feelings and the moments we had….I bet that you wont even cross your mind cz you already had put everything down…Deeply, Im trying my very best to hide my feelings already..

Cz I know, and deeply very sure that you would NEVER EVER LOVE ME AGAIN…….Tears are in my eyes roling and rolling…hmmm..

Sadly in tears,

Vinns

D Greatest Lost in Life... :(

How I wish...~

*051011, weds..cloudy day*

Today is Day 3 of Big Loss Tragedy in my life.

Flashing back on Oct 2^nd, 2011.. Another date that going to mark in my life dictionary. Its where you note us off. That night was terrible to me… Unbearable… I truly could not believe that you really is gone as my love…

All I afford to do is cry cry cry then sleep den cry cry cry again.. missing you badly.. i truly cud not belief that i need to walked on without your warmest love... you meant so so so much to me..*heart tears apart*

The next day, my feeling was extremely terrible. Extremely torturing. I could barely smile at all. My eyes are filled with tears every moment. Thus, I made my decision to fly bak straight away from SG to MY, I want get it clear cz ngor zhen hai hao hao hao sanfu… A lot of things playing in my mind…

That night, my zai kissed motor, I nearly walk to wrong route during airport, a lot of things happened.. I was doing everything without my soul. I don’t know what to do and I’m ‘blind’..

Although there’s a decision made among us, however I know that you are not happy at all. Thus, my love is stronger than my will, I respect you and your decision. As I know that, you will be happier such way.

And yesterday, I tried my best to chase back wad is lost, with all efforts.. I glad that you are touched yet you stood very still and mean yet cruel on your decision. I cant afford to get bak your love. As its over and done. I was drunk and deeply in pain… Extremely in pain & burst into downpour tears… I really never tot that I will lose you now. Ngor zhen hai hao hao hao hao mmmm xie tuck nei…. But nth cud change this fact as you are adapting it so fast as it just decided a day ago..

Everything was toooooo late….

You made everything very clear. It was so in sudden when I was acknowledged. You were suffering alone all these while and you BOOM it all in sudden and everything is THE END.

Although now we are just friends, everything is different already. I still feel the huge pain of lost…

I missed you sooooooooo much…
As agreed, you are always my soulmate..May you always still do care and sayng me… I do always need you in my life.. I hope you too...

May our friendship last till eternity since we cant be as FAMILY...

“ Yet still having you by my side is my greatest honour but losing you who loves me dearly is my deepest lost in life…”

Hurt deeply & Tears still Rolling,

Vinns

Loneliness, That's How Am I

221010, fri..clear day.. Awake since 10am, walk down to living room. Mind had set to concentrate in studying but yet my heart aint here. Staring at d book for couple of minutes. It seems nothing absorb in my mind & just don't understand what is it talking about.

Am I getting more noob or I don't how to read?? Heart-sick when Im feeling this way. I really wana study but nothing I could understand.

Maybe right inside myself, there's too much things that had tied up. Just a lot. Don't know where and how to end this up. Actually nothing I cud be doing. As everything is out of my control. Well, its foolish & dumb for me to think of it but I just can't resist it.

There's once twice, I did share to some ppl, with some surface prob, I didn't went deep in to share with ppl, well, thats me! Don't like ppl to see the helpless me. As I know that no one would deeply understand my situation and how I'm feeling. Fact is that truly they unable to see wad & how am I de. So, what's the point for me to voice it out? Walk by my own is the safe side for me.

There's only one place which is my heart to keep everything that no one could see. A lot of things, Im doubting myself. Toooo much circumstances that Im going thru.

Studies had compact my mind completely! No way out to breath. Deep in me, I'm seriously darn worry but just remain calm in reality. Pointless for me to be panic or wad, as stupid management from university is changing policy though exam is only few days away!

Right now, my heart felt heavy. Maybe the quota had its limit. Indeed, someone arise in my dailys. Didn't feel soooo much into it of existence since recently. Well, maybe its timing.

Although its not a compulsory for you to acknowledge me anything, indeed makes me felt empty when there's no news from you. Belief it, I was indeed waiting for ur news by time to time.

If only you know...

I guess, I'm being tooo over in this. As this truly did affect my mood. Unexpectedly. When time comes, I start awaits for your news. Just waiting...Being such way by myself is insane. As no other ppl will feel such way as me or maybe other ppl would feel its nothing. Insanity!

I think should actually pull myself away from this tooooo much before I unable to do so & grieve seriously about it....

Lonely,

Vinns

The Return~

191010, tues.. dawn.. All this while since our arguments and misunderstands, there's a gap between us.

Ever since during school times, strong feelings occur among us. You & I deeply feel it! Those letter-msg, heart sharing & sweets action dt had been done to each other was indeed remarkable! Our times was really sweet but unfortunately, its was too short. As in between, too much obstacles occur that really test our bond. We're just on and off most of the times.

Ups and downs often falls upon me even after schooling. Im not sure about you but it was a hard time to walk thru when all of indirectly actions done by you that truly hurt me. I was there, never leaving you but non-stop being pierced by you & your actions. My heart is weak, indeed helpless. Tears did roll for you tht I told myself that there's no more next time. No more caring & loving such human fren like you as I was just being too foolish whom meant nothing to anyone. Being taken granted of my efforts & love is the greatest impact that could deeply disappoint me & losing my confidence & trust towrds you.

Life walks on, time passes by. Although we often meet up, but we were nEveR as close as be4 after harsh moments that we confronted each other. We just can't able to click each other as how we were during old times. No matter how, we rarely able to talk heart to heart. Well, maybe its my problem as I was hurt too much all this while by you directly or indirectly. Maybe you never know cz you just could not feel and know how serious I was in our relationship+friendship.

Thus, I nvr dare to step in any deeper anymore to protect myself from being hurt.

Anyhow, everything had change since recent moments. Totally a drastic change happening in me as I could feel you are there. Previously wheneva this feeling araise, trust me..I will keep on remind myself to forget bout this cz I don't wana get hurt anymore as it's bad and ugly to walk thru.

But I don't know why, this time, my heart is telling me that its for real. Just have the feeling of right & left hand as we used too be4.

Just speechless. As everything started when I didn't expect at ALL that you still have feelings bout everything now & past...regret dunno wad..if only dunno wad..

Trust me, I was truly stunned when those words were from you as I tot you forget about it ever. Felt touched silently. Since that moment, my perception & feelings towards you indeed different. Night that we spend together with all, deeply in me, I felt the warmness. I feel the old time you is right beside me that really touches my soul.

Honestly, those moments, I did really enjoy the companion.

Hope that its for real and its you. The real you that wun treat me as fool AGAIN and take me for granted AGAIN once you tink I'm not needed anymore. Would not keep me away & ignore me completely when you have ur own life. Or any hiding lies behind me. May you would never once again take away my trust towards you. Don't walk away just like that when you do not need me anymore.

Just don't fool my feelings...

As my trust towards you indeed gaining now...& yet cares d existence of you more... =]

With no judgments & secrets and only sincerity!!

Love,

Vinns