Saturday, May 19, 2012

Dare Not~

190512, sat.. Clear night

Nothing much, sitting alone at pool. Just had liquor to ease my complicated feelings in me. 
Today spent alot of time to see Ella & her hubby happenings and wedding. Felt so happy for her and him. 

Deeply, freaking envy the magnificent love between them, in them. Love the way it feels. 
Deeply, thinking how I wish that I able to have such mr right. Ain't need to be rich or good looking. Everything is moderate will do, mostly important it's the loyalty and sincere love yet caring which meant everything in LOVE. 

Too bad, sadly to admit that I still believe in LOVE BUUUUTTTTTT I yet still to take the risk of LOVE. 
All these while, I had bare toooooooo much which now I'm unable to take on comparison..
commitment.. jealousy.. curiosity..fear of breaking.. 
The hurt and drought moments to climb up, its painful and unbearable....

In short, I dare not love. Seriously, I dare not. That's the real me as of now. 
We will see when time comes... 


Friday, April 27, 2012

Trap in Lift, 1st time in my Life

*260412, Thurs.. Windy Night* 

Recently, my days had been packed with tasks, head-cracking one indeed. However, still lucky enough that able to go back home early as in at 7plus ba. 

And today, it's a VERY TRAGEDY DAY in my life. When my present SG roomie, jx and I about to go back and enter the lift, one palia colleague, Alfred keep cursing that we will be trapped in lift. 
Well, and so WE DID GOT TRAPPED!!! 

My roomie shouted when the lift stopped in sudden! 
At the moment, I'm just in silent and immediately call the displayed helpline number and the stupid number is definitely just for displayed! Looking outside, the guys colleagues were laughing and also giving us sign language to tell us what to do. Then, we pressed the emergency bell and so we tried to open the lift with our bare hands. 

Gratefully, we managed to open the first layer and there is another layer which needed to be open from outside. Thus, the guys tried hard to rescue us by trying to open the second layer from outside. In sudden, I saw there is a spring which is movable and seems to be the key lift controller. So, I move it and thanks to the guys who were non stop trying to open the lift and we were SAVED! 
It was an anxious moment, a TRAGEDY experience!!! 

Seriously and to be really frank, I do fear. Scared. However, I remained calm as need to figure way out as the lift have no aircon. All I had in mind is to figure how to get out.
Nevertheless, deep inside me, how I wish that I had someone who I cared/loved to be out there to save me out from such incident and once I'm out, someone is there to hug me tight and says, "Don't worry. Everything is alright. Everything is fine. You're safe and sound now, baby. I'm here to protect always have me by ur side, being there for you,baby.." 
However, all these is just my illusion. 

Undeniable fact is that, my heart beats very very fast. Scare scare. Truly hope, there is a person for me to hug and I'm able to express my fear or might flow tears, maybe.. 

Too bad, I need to vanish such feelings as I'm on my own walking on life now. All such will never occur in my life again as I lost faith in love though I do believe that love do exist, somehow... 
No matter what, life have to go on. Just following how it flows~ 
And also hope that such tragedy will not happen Ever Again o~ scare scare de! [+.+] 


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

To Stay on or To Walk off?

~Tough Decision that bothers my mind long long ago as I fear to face it cz doubt that I will choose the wrong route...~

*030412, Tuesday..Rainy Day*

These days, life is indeed great! Showered with crazy friends and marvelous moments spent. Feeling good as life with no love burden, Free & Easy.. only have my great friends around who I dearly cherish.

Aside this, something came in my mind which I did silently buried in my heart for quite sometime and refuses to dig it and to really made a knot of it~
Often avoiding it...

All this while, I'm staying because I'm keen to learn something new which I'm zero in it. I do feel that this is the way it suppose to be~ However, undeniable fact is that, it's something I'm ain't into it and there's goes a year I'm here...
Actually, I had set up my mind, to stay and keep my route clear what is my future prospect which I should look/climb for... Mindset had fixed and walking on now. However, my friends had remind me about what I truly am and had flashed my will...

What to be done? How to be done? When to be done?
Will it be DONE???

Figuring & Doubting...


Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy 2012! VS is BACK! =]

~Lesson Learnt to face Future. Thanks for everything, Past. Past, you build who I am now. I'm READY!~

*020112, Monday.. Clear Night*

Brand New Year,2012. Well, a great year I had during 2011. Lots of happenings which craved memorable moments that I walked with everyone, anyone. No matter is happy or sad, indeed was a remarkable moment. Looking back, the recent exact 3 months ago, it was The End of one of my life chapter. Exactly 3 months.
However, it's Good & Glad. As I'm not a fool who allow you to fool, play & betray my love & trust. You're indeed a Absolute Fantastic Lover. Undeniable fact. However, deeply glad as its over among You & I as everything is d end when your heart belongs to others & you are the one making the initiative 1st. Magnificent! Every now & then, I will still think that you are so great to be able to ensure both side so DARN well. Fook sai lei!
"Tin Mong Fui Fui", God allow me to know the actual fact of reality reason of the Main Cause of its Off which acknowledge me that every kind of human also will behave such betrayal.

Believe it, that I'm Back. Back on track. Absolutely clear of my route ahead. No more wandering around and losing myself. Crystal clear of my goal. Those heartache & disappointment is all over, fullstop. No more mm xiee tuck, missing or what so ever rubbish. Thankful of how I am now and striving to be much better. I found myself back!^^
Living up all alone aint that bad. Walking path alone brings the another dimension of me,my thoughts. Really good.

2012, New Year Revolution
=>> To dive & drill towards something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT with what I have & how I am now by 31st Dec 2012. *Assuring there's a obvious difference in me*


Sunday, December 25, 2011

Lonely Christmas 2011

251211, Sunday.. Clear night

At this every hour, 2201 Hrs, I'm at 1utama, awaiting for my second movie, Mission Impossible after the Puss in Boots.
On such a special day, wandering around with a single soul. What can I say as I'm fated to be as such. While actually, it's ain't that bad but just pretty empty and there is no one by ur side to share thoughts or a shoulder to be lean on and what so ever. Although had a great night of Christmas Eve celebration, I'm still walking thru. I'm not mighty de, can't be said that to be completely cure just like that. I need to be still to move on! I will and I must!

Greatest news on earth is that guess what... I found that all reasons to set the relationship off is all bullshit and lies. Woww.. The moment I get to know, I'm seriously furious about it. Very yet saluting you as u are so damn great to b able to sail on two boats while able the sail the boats steady and sailed well AT THE VERY SAME TIME FOR 2 months!!!
Why... Why... Why... Why such betrayal happens to me just becoz I dun have sufficient for you??? And this makes you empty and to be filled with others while still on a line??!! After all we went thru, ain't enuf to keep ur heart while I trusted you 101% fully every single moment...
I'm a darn fool.. Really a fool to such expertise like you..

Thankful yet grateful that I know and it ended. You made ur choice... Good Luck..


Saturday, December 10, 2011

Gray-Scaled Days...

~Be thankful of their existence in life~

*101211, fri.. rainy night*

Alright, it had been a week since I'm back to Singapore from Msia. Well, what makes a difference, actually is nothing. Whether I'm at SG or MY makes no difference (to you or anyone), that's the main point.

"Vinns, face it! Be realistic and please stay awake at ALL time! Can't you??? "
I often remind myself. Hmm... I know.. I truly know all these facts and the reality but its the heart and feelings is still showering me. Stop... please stop, don't haunt me. I already feel that I'm not myself at all. I really do.
Cause, I'm indeed how I am as per the email I wrote to you 2 years ago in Journey of My Love which I bet that it won't ever rings a bell to you. If you only see this blog, If only you see back the emails.. hmm.. and next action is that you will delete it...
Every single words in it represents exactly how I am. Is Exactly.

Last weekend, going office at 1am till the next day 2pm. Even This whole week was terrible hustle to me as waking up at 8plus am and reach home earliest at 1am plus to 4am. $$$ is hard earned. However, I does not like the environment. Not happy working. Don't ask me why. I don't know. I might not be extremely good but I just have my stands to ensure what is wrong and right.

Busy days help alot in many ways. At least, all I had in mind is to sleep and work only. This is the recent me.
A person who does not think much of the future. Flowing exactly how the water flows without any precaution (Tired of it). Does not hope and not being imaginative (as no one really will know what will happen the next hour; I experienced it_many in sudden occur just like that and impact your life ENTIRELY). Thus, I could be really frank that I have nothing in mind as just passing one day by the other. No goal or destination yet a grey journey. Its not that I give up in life, but its just that I walk without a soul or a motive, it seems to be naturally.

The great lost causes me lost and even lose the entirely ambitious & confident Vinns SYN. However, your existence indeed shapes how I am and coloured my life beautifully+joyfully with memorable moment and now its all gray-scaled.
While, you are enjoying every single bit of your time happiily at this every second, I really do envy you. Envy you that a person who used to love me so much and deep yet an apple of the eye to you, now could let go just like that and enjoying new environment/surroundings. How did you do it? Salute...

At times, I really hope, one fine day, i lost my memory. All memories. All these while, my life is meaningful when your shadow reaches mine. I walked with pride and love. Now, since its gone, I often hope that, it will be gone with my memories,together it disappears and erased, as in all of it since I'm born. At least, I could be a white paper. Start everything again. All over again...I don't mind.

Rising up alone is harsh... darn harsh and tough...painful~
God, please do take me with you if you feel that I'm mentally tortured and suffered enough.
Although, daily seems nothing but deeply in me, heart bleeds. Non-stop silently...


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Dull Films

~Just walking on without direction, following how it flows~

*241111, thurs... rainy day*

Actually I wanted to blog my feelings since monday. However, once I'm in front of lappy, my mind was blank. Don't know what to flatter out.

Ever since last weekend, thanks to those shoots, makes my mood shakes for a short moment and till this every second, I could say that my feelings is flat. Dull. One tone ahead. I don't know why. Even, I don't know how to share with my close friends of how I am. No words able to describe myself and the inner me. Thus, I remained calm and steady as I do not know how to picture myself.

Day & night, time passes by. Doing the same old routine. In between, laughter and smiles happen to be seen on my face but it just does not last. Its not that I wana be very particular or keeps on thinking, but it just happen naturally. Seriously, I don't know what I'm thinking too. Memories just flashed in sudden or nothing plays in my mind. Just blank. That's it.

I am missing something very important here. Its the 'sparks'. I Lost it. I am wandering to search it back. However, I'm still not there. Probably, Im still adapting and healing slowly while other people are enjoying life and walking on daily happily with their lovely frens. I'm just a passer by on street to other people. Indeed I am.
Yet I hope that at this mean time, no other soul will appears to fool my feelings. I will easily fall for it & knock on ground again.

Don't do so...
If its true, spare it with sincere and action...