Dare Not~

190512, sat.. Clear night

Nothing much, sitting alone at pool. Just had liquor to ease my complicated feelings in me. 

Today spent alot of time to see Ella & her hubby happenings and wedding. Felt so happy for her and him. 

Deeply, freaking envy the magnificent love between them, in them. Love the way it feels. 

Deeply, thinking how I wish that I able to have such mr right. Ain't need to be rich or good looking. Everything is moderate will do, mostly important it's the loyalty and sincere love yet caring which meant everything in LOVE. 

Too bad, sadly to admit that I still believe in LOVE BUUUUTTTTTT I yet still to take the risk of LOVE. 

All these while, I had bare toooooooo much which now I'm unable to take on comparison..

commitment.. jealousy.. curiosity..fear of breaking.. 

The hurt and drought moments to climb up, its painful and unbearable....

In short, I dare not love. Seriously, I dare not. That's the real me as of now. 

We will see when time comes... 

 Love,
Vinns

Passing By, Going Through...On my own

~indeed, only in heart...silently~

131111, sunday..rainy day

To make an effort to write this blog had taken me alot. I traveled from Aljuneid>DhobyGhout>City Hall>Bugis, just look for places to online. Its either the place is packed/no plug/no wireless. Then, by the moment want to leave and I spotted a corner place which where I am now, Starbucks Bugis under the Sun...
over.
Looking back, there's about a month plus that its already over. Yes indeed. I'm all alone. Although I know dt I got alot of friends supporting me, backing me up.. I deeply appreciate it, darlings.
However, my wounded heart has a very very deep scar which is still healing slowly although I tried to keep myself OK & happy in everyone's eyes. I smiled. I laughed. However, if i cry, i will cry alone, wets my pillow silently. I dont wana them to worry about me, and I know that i'm a fool who often daydreaming about nothing.

Frankly, I lost the spark in me. Seriously. I lost my direction. I don't see a point that I'm heading to. Being at SG or MY, I don't see a point. I don't see my value to exist anymore. This is bad. I'm indeed making effort to search it back, because now I'm on my own. Before, I always have someone to uphold me and to walk on with me at all time. No matter what, I have someone to go through with me. Hmm..But now I.. know that I have to accept this. Accepting it. I'm on my own.

Besides, I know that you are doing good now. Glad to hear that. Going through life happily with your frens, which my existence makes no difference in you. Your life is only coloured by them and everyone but just excluding me. Whether I exist anymore also would not even impact you. I wonder.. is it really so? It seems that I'm totally being erased from your heart and mind. Well, probably I'm really not good enuf for you nor not worthy it to accommodate in your heart which others deserve better.

Now and always, you are my greatest friend..my soulmate..
I'm aint sure that I still love you anot (I tried to ignore this as its not important to anyone anymore), all I know is that, I hope you are happy.. everyone is happy...That's enough..

Love,
Vinns

Emo Surroundings conquereD~

*061011, thurs…thunderstorm*

Once I’m awake, I roll awhile. I made a decision to act you as my diary. Daily, I have to read a eDairy to you to ensure you & I still have ‘muk khai’ and at least I have a space for me to express myself. 

Thinking back awhile, just awhile… Had a strong thought, I need to walk through this, concentrate well in my work as my boss did appreciate and offers me an opportunity to extend in SG.

Thus, whole day, my work’s momentum was good. Had a great conversation with you, love the way we still can communicate as great friends. Although my heart is still aching yet la g la g, hmmm.. its still under control. Everything was alright, though my mind do appears the special feeling once awhile.

However, I lost. Lost to the God. At late evening, it was raining… Very very heavily, with thunderstorm & lightings..My heart was weak. Paining again. Hmm.. I thought I could rate myself 100% but I lost. Such weather, it reminds me alot alot stuffs. Such a emo surrounding Especially when you told me your weekend plans & staying over, reminds me about our 1^st holiday together.

It was one of our meaningful journeys that we shared together. 

Flashing bak our every single moment we shared, how we went there, how we waited for room, the snacks & food we brought up, the movies that we watch together and together we share our sweet moments. What exactly we felt, its me & you only…

Sigghhhhhh….Its only all memories, that I flashing all alone by myself…

Wondering that will you ever think of me when you’re there? Will you ever flash the feelings and the moments we had….I bet that you wont even cross your mind cz you already had put everything down…Deeply, Im trying my very best to hide my feelings already..

Cz I know, and deeply very sure that you would NEVER EVER LOVE ME AGAIN…….Tears are in my eyes roling and rolling…hmmm..

Sadly in tears,

Vinns

D Greatest Lost in Life... :(

How I wish...~

*051011, weds..cloudy day*

Today is Day 3 of Big Loss Tragedy in my life.

Flashing back on Oct 2^nd, 2011.. Another date that going to mark in my life dictionary. Its where you note us off. That night was terrible to me… Unbearable… I truly could not believe that you really is gone as my love…

All I afford to do is cry cry cry then sleep den cry cry cry again.. missing you badly.. i truly cud not belief that i need to walked on without your warmest love... you meant so so so much to me..*heart tears apart*

The next day, my feeling was extremely terrible. Extremely torturing. I could barely smile at all. My eyes are filled with tears every moment. Thus, I made my decision to fly bak straight away from SG to MY, I want get it clear cz ngor zhen hai hao hao hao sanfu… A lot of things playing in my mind…

That night, my zai kissed motor, I nearly walk to wrong route during airport, a lot of things happened.. I was doing everything without my soul. I don’t know what to do and I’m ‘blind’..

Although there’s a decision made among us, however I know that you are not happy at all. Thus, my love is stronger than my will, I respect you and your decision. As I know that, you will be happier such way.

And yesterday, I tried my best to chase back wad is lost, with all efforts.. I glad that you are touched yet you stood very still and mean yet cruel on your decision. I cant afford to get bak your love. As its over and done. I was drunk and deeply in pain… Extremely in pain & burst into downpour tears… I really never tot that I will lose you now. Ngor zhen hai hao hao hao hao mmmm xie tuck nei…. But nth cud change this fact as you are adapting it so fast as it just decided a day ago..

Everything was toooooo late….

You made everything very clear. It was so in sudden when I was acknowledged. You were suffering alone all these while and you BOOM it all in sudden and everything is THE END.

Although now we are just friends, everything is different already. I still feel the huge pain of lost…

I missed you sooooooooo much…
As agreed, you are always my soulmate..May you always still do care and sayng me… I do always need you in my life.. I hope you too...

May our friendship last till eternity since we cant be as FAMILY...

“ Yet still having you by my side is my greatest honour but losing you who loves me dearly is my deepest lost in life…”

Hurt deeply & Tears still Rolling,

Vinns

Walks Alone

101110, wed..dawn.. Right now, its 4.20am, all I doing is You-Tube-ing & listening to musics. My mood is getting gloomy when thinking bak dt only left few days before everything will step in to the different world.

Although being reminded that nothing going to change & remain the same, still, I yet worry and depressing right here...

Strong feeling towards you had fall in real deep. Used to have you around all this while. Having you right by my side to talk, and share. Although ups and downs frequently happen, yet my love towards is true, Crystal clear.

Now, I need to walk alone..

Without your shadow to reach mine. Unable to see you most of the time within 24hours perday.

Speeeechless and being real upset right now.

You would never imagine how bad Im feeling now.

Going to misss you ssooooooooooooo much. So damnnn much. You meant tooo much for me...

How I wish that Im drunk.

Drunk till Very Very Very Very Drunk!

Ease me burden feelings at accumulated since long ago. I believe it would just explode anytime at any moment.

Sadly,

Vinns

Heaven Knows...

181009, sun..clear day...wake up kinda late as sleeping late cz of wandering thru online...recently toooo many things had been happened in me...my sorrows and stressed up moments are tooo much, cant even speak out by words...let me note here wad is the worst thing happen to me, which is my laptop got stolen due to sum incident on tues,131009...inside my laptop, includes lots of my memories and my assignments which due on fri...on the same day, i was tripped inside d kitchen..and twisted my ankle too...and yet, i able to crave a smile all the time on my face de...thou deep inside me, my heart seems like having lots unspeakable words...lots things to share..but i seems to have NO one who really bothers to sit down beside me and listen to my voice in my bottom heart...maybe sumtimes i hate to let ppl know dt i'm weak, need accompany or wad de..mayb jz one word,i dun like to feel like a loser in others ppl's eyes though i noe there is no such thing as winner or loser but i jz cant de....

And now, i'm suppose to study...but my yest mood haven vanish...listening to d song 'Heaven Knows' by Rick Price... cud totally describe my whole feeling now...no one jz know and understand how i feel deep in me...and, i hate the ignorance from you...why?...i know dt i had a very big mistake..but i'm jz soo sorry dt i cant help it when my past memories flash bak...i wanted it to be gone and forever but wheneva your coldness, ignorance occured towards me, i felt hurt so deeply..its so deep actually..and in sudden, my past memories will jz arise...i hate to compare and i definately not comparing this and dt as nth is worth to compare..u know me, u have me by ur side...but y everything seems getting duller and nth seems important to u anymore...y..? who can i blame...? u or me? i dunno....all i can say, i really love you...no doubt for it at ALL!! i wish to walk forward wif u..longer den v can imagine...

About d past, good for u dt u hav a new life...thou my heart do ache abit wen i got to noe it, wad else can i do..jz hope dt u cud find a better wan den me as wad u desire for....=]

At least, there's sumthing cud make me felt happy recently is my parents bought me a new lappy after my lost!! loving my new alphine white lappy sooo muchhhiiiieee!!! ma new precious since oct14th,09....everything dt had lost cant even to be turning bak..especially all my photos...a total real beginning de..no way to flash bak at all.....anyway,thanks to palia fangfang and sarah for accompany me and help me anaylzing d pro and cons de! hehe..muackz!! ^.^

**mY pRecious**

Love,
Vinns