Lonely Christmas 2011

251211, Sunday.. Clear night

At this every hour, 2201 Hrs, I'm at 1utama, awaiting for my second movie, Mission Impossible after the Puss in Boots.

On such a special day, wandering around with a single soul. What can I say as I'm fated to be as such. While actually, it's ain't that bad but just pretty empty and there is no one by ur side to share thoughts or a shoulder to be lean on and what so ever. Although had a great night of Christmas Eve celebration, I'm still walking thru. I'm not mighty de, can't be said that to be completely cure just like that. I need to be still to move on! I will and I must!

Greatest news on earth is that guess what... I found that all reasons to set the relationship off is all bullshit and lies. Woww.. The moment I get to know, I'm seriously furious about it. Very yet saluting you as u are so damn great to b able to sail on two boats while able the sail the boats steady and sailed well AT THE VERY SAME TIME FOR 2 months!!!

Why... Why... Why... Why such betrayal happens to me just becoz I dun have sufficient for you??? And this makes you empty and to be filled with others while still on a line??!! After all we went thru, ain't enuf to keep ur heart while I trusted you 101% fully every single moment...

I'm a darn fool.. Really a fool to such expertise like you..

Thankful yet grateful that I know and it ended. You made ur choice... Good Luck..

Vinns

Gray-Scaled Days...

~Be thankful of their existence in life~

*101211, fri.. rainy night*

Alright, it had been a week since I'm back to Singapore from Msia. Well, what makes a difference, actually is nothing. Whether I'm at SG or MY makes no difference (to you or anyone), that's the main point.

"Vinns, face it! Be realistic and please stay awake at ALL time! Can't you??? "
I often remind myself. Hmm... I know.. I truly know all these facts and the reality but its the heart and feelings is still showering me. Stop... please stop, don't haunt me. I already feel that I'm not myself at all. I really do.
Cause, I'm indeed how I am as per the email I wrote to you 2 years ago in Journey of My Love which I bet that it won't ever rings a bell to you. If you only see this blog, If only you see back the emails.. hmm.. and next action is that you will delete it...
Every single words in it represents exactly how I am. Is Exactly.

Last weekend, going office at 1am till the next day 2pm. Even This whole week was terrible hustle to me as waking up at 8plus am and reach home earliest at 1am plus to 4am. $$$ is hard earned. However, I does not like the environment. Not happy working. Don't ask me why. I don't know. I might not be extremely good but I just have my stands to ensure what is wrong and right.

Busy days help alot in many ways. At least, all I had in mind is to sleep and work only. This is the recent me.
A person who does not think much of the future. Flowing exactly how the water flows without any precaution (Tired of it). Does not hope and not being imaginative (as no one really will know what will happen the next hour; I experienced it_many in sudden occur just like that and impact your life ENTIRELY). Thus, I could be really frank that I have nothing in mind as just passing one day by the other. No goal or destination yet a grey journey. Its not that I give up in life, but its just that I walk without a soul or a motive, it seems to be naturally.

The great lost causes me lost and even lose the entirely ambitious & confident Vinns SYN. However, your existence indeed shapes how I am and coloured my life beautifully+joyfully with memorable moment and now its all gray-scaled.
While, you are enjoying every single bit of your time happiily at this every second, I really do envy you. Envy you that a person who used to love me so much and deep yet an apple of the eye to you, now could let go just like that and enjoying new environment/surroundings. How did you do it? Salute...

At times, I really hope, one fine day, i lost my memory. All memories. All these while, my life is meaningful when your shadow reaches mine. I walked with pride and love. Now, since its gone, I often hope that, it will be gone with my memories,together it disappears and erased, as in all of it since I'm born. At least, I could be a white paper. Start everything again. All over again...I don't mind.

Rising up alone is harsh... darn harsh and tough...painful~
God, please do take me with you if you feel that I'm mentally tortured and suffered enough.
Although, daily seems nothing but deeply in me, heart bleeds. Non-stop silently...

Vinns

Dull Films

~Just walking on without direction, following how it flows~

*241111, thurs... rainy day*

Actually I wanted to blog my feelings since monday. However, once I'm in front of lappy, my mind was blank. Don't know what to flatter out.

Ever since last weekend, thanks to those shoots, makes my mood shakes for a short moment and till this every second, I could say that my feelings is flat. Dull. One tone ahead. I don't know why. Even, I don't know how to share with my close friends of how I am. No words able to describe myself and the inner me. Thus, I remained calm and steady as I do not know how to picture myself.

Day & night, time passes by. Doing the same old routine. In between, laughter and smiles happen to be seen on my face but it just does not last. Its not that I wana be very particular or keeps on thinking, but it just happen naturally. Seriously, I don't know what I'm thinking too. Memories just flashed in sudden or nothing plays in my mind. Just blank. That's it.

I am missing something very important here. Its the 'sparks'. I Lost it. I am wandering to search it back. However, I'm still not there. Probably, Im still adapting and healing slowly while other people are enjoying life and walking on daily happily with their lovely frens. I'm just a passer by on street to other people. Indeed I am.
Yet I hope that at this mean time, no other soul will appears to fool my feelings. I will easily fall for it & knock on ground again.

Don't do so...
If its true, spare it with sincere and action...

Love,
Vinns

Passing By, Going Through...On my own

~indeed, only in heart...silently~

131111, sunday..rainy day

To make an effort to write this blog had taken me alot. I traveled from Aljuneid>DhobyGhout>City Hall>Bugis, just look for places to online. Its either the place is packed/no plug/no wireless. Then, by the moment want to leave and I spotted a corner place which where I am now, Starbucks Bugis under the Sun...
over.
Looking back, there's about a month plus that its already over. Yes indeed. I'm all alone. Although I know dt I got alot of friends supporting me, backing me up.. I deeply appreciate it, darlings.
However, my wounded heart has a very very deep scar which is still healing slowly although I tried to keep myself OK & happy in everyone's eyes. I smiled. I laughed. However, if i cry, i will cry alone, wets my pillow silently. I dont wana them to worry about me, and I know that i'm a fool who often daydreaming about nothing.

Frankly, I lost the spark in me. Seriously. I lost my direction. I don't see a point that I'm heading to. Being at SG or MY, I don't see a point. I don't see my value to exist anymore. This is bad. I'm indeed making effort to search it back, because now I'm on my own. Before, I always have someone to uphold me and to walk on with me at all time. No matter what, I have someone to go through with me. Hmm..But now I.. know that I have to accept this. Accepting it. I'm on my own.

Besides, I know that you are doing good now. Glad to hear that. Going through life happily with your frens, which my existence makes no difference in you. Your life is only coloured by them and everyone but just excluding me. Whether I exist anymore also would not even impact you. I wonder.. is it really so? It seems that I'm totally being erased from your heart and mind. Well, probably I'm really not good enuf for you nor not worthy it to accommodate in your heart which others deserve better.

Now and always, you are my greatest friend..my soulmate..
I'm aint sure that I still love you anot (I tried to ignore this as its not important to anyone anymore), all I know is that, I hope you are happy.. everyone is happy...That's enough..

Love,
Vinns

'Empty' Home

*070911, weds…clear night*

Upon today is Day 1 of Presentation of my 1^st module to users, somehow it was aint that bad. So far so good as its first day, pretty basic though.

Till late evening, my day seems getting darker. In sudden, unbalance emotions cover up my soul partial when the coincidence of your appearance through my glance.

Pretty glad that seeing you living happily yet very lovely with your loves ones. Indeed, felt happy for you but don’t why, right at the corner, I feel my heart is kinda heavy. Mood was turned down. Hmmm.. I thinking tooooo much.. Hope I could pull myself out COMPLETELY, as it was HISTORY that will never going to be repeated anymore.

My day was getting even more deep in darkness when I made an intention to call back home. At first intention, I thought of asking and care about them. However, when I speak to my lil sis, she was telling me something but was being stopped. I was dissatisfied, why do they need to stop her from telling me something?

Thus, I pursue her and gotta to know what she is trying to tell me. Sighhh… even such a small girl, knows what I don’t like. How come they don’t know? Heart even felt more aching…

One very simple question;

“If you have a home which you had stayed there since you are a child, you are brought up there and after so long, you gotta to know that your room was taken and you required to pack your things in order to let other ppl could have the room. Lastly, the only place that is reserved for you is A CUPBOARD which packed with your clothes, your privacy stuffs, your lovely books and your everything. That’s the ONLY thing belong to you wholly in the House.

Yes indeed, A Cupboard.

Share with me, HOW DO YOU FEEL???”

Hmm… Just because that I’m away from home for 3 months plus, things change drastically. I could barely imagine such things happened. To judge my status in family and home, I could clearly see it and feeling it.

What is it that meant to be if someone does not even have a room in family house? Does someone still meant to be at home or even coming bak home when there’s no more home?

Stay strong, Vinns…

That’s the ONLY thing that I afford to say

Speechless,

Vinns

.dOwn.

*140611, tues...clear night*

Recently, my days filled with excitement and great challenges during work. Gaining meaningful experiences day by day. Although the environment is stress most of the time, yet being a better person.
Working in Singapore, its a great place to grow and being a better team player.

Besides work, recently deep in me, I miss you. Alot... Not only that, feeling gloomy and sad when I'm foreseeing this sat night and sunday, I'll be alone counting down... Just like last year, nothing special as its just going to be a normal day... absolutely normal.

Sadly,

Vinns

Feeling Helpless

241009, sat..clear day..a week which suppose to be study week but i seems enjoying life so much..going here and there..at 1st, my study mode was lik really heated up!!..but right now, im staring at my book..i tried reading..nth seems going inside my mind de...if this continues, im so gonna fail for this semester...

Undeniable, i juz dun understand why...every single time, i come bak to sban..there's sure sumone or sumthing at sumwhere reminds me bout sumone de..its haunting me again..i dunno y that sumone cud play in my mind so much...its lik, come on, i cudn't even put a damn de...it cud not change anything de...but i remembered a phrase dt i saw from sumwhere saying that ^sumone only able to realize wad's d meaning of 'I Love You'..wad's the importance by now,which sumone didn't notice it previously^
i was lik omg...wad do u mean by dt....all this while during our times is wad to you??!....im so speechless...

Actually, i shud feel happy for sumone..yes indeed..i truly felt glad dt sumone found your own happiness..own life..free from burden...but frankly, deep in me...i noe dt i still need more time and space to totally erase sumone from my mind..my heart...much more time~~ i hate to admit my feelins towards sumone is still existing or wad..but d fact is its not existing anymore but jz those shadows appear most of the time when things seems got related to sumone.. but by now all i can say,i juz hope evrything shall be gone and forever!! hoping wadeva dt related sumone cud vanish!! and hopefully you wud lead a happier and lovely life in future...and i belief you will..you definately will! good for you..

As for me, i wudnt waste my time to focus on sumthing dt is not worthy..as im going on smoothly wif wad i have now..i wudnt demand much more as i noe dt i wud able to get wad i wan if i jz voice it out...though its not 100% fulfilled, at least i know dt you tried your best..not only dt, i know dt you cares for me..but sumthing is still missing...as wad i told you,hoping there's solution within us..maybe after my event next year, hope dt everything cud turn bak as sweet as be4.....as how it begins...truly looking forward towards it..............

=>>really need to study liow...forcing myself to hav d mood..aikkzz >.<

Vinns

Heaven Knows...

181009, sun..clear day...wake up kinda late as sleeping late cz of wandering thru online...recently toooo many things had been happened in me...my sorrows and stressed up moments are tooo much, cant even speak out by words...let me note here wad is the worst thing happen to me, which is my laptop got stolen due to sum incident on tues,131009...inside my laptop, includes lots of my memories and my assignments which due on fri...on the same day, i was tripped inside d kitchen..and twisted my ankle too...and yet, i able to crave a smile all the time on my face de...thou deep inside me, my heart seems like having lots unspeakable words...lots things to share..but i seems to have NO one who really bothers to sit down beside me and listen to my voice in my bottom heart...maybe sumtimes i hate to let ppl know dt i'm weak, need accompany or wad de..mayb jz one word,i dun like to feel like a loser in others ppl's eyes though i noe there is no such thing as winner or loser but i jz cant de....

And now, i'm suppose to study...but my yest mood haven vanish...listening to d song 'Heaven Knows' by Rick Price... cud totally describe my whole feeling now...no one jz know and understand how i feel deep in me...and, i hate the ignorance from you...why?...i know dt i had a very big mistake..but i'm jz soo sorry dt i cant help it when my past memories flash bak...i wanted it to be gone and forever but wheneva your coldness, ignorance occured towards me, i felt hurt so deeply..its so deep actually..and in sudden, my past memories will jz arise...i hate to compare and i definately not comparing this and dt as nth is worth to compare..u know me, u have me by ur side...but y everything seems getting duller and nth seems important to u anymore...y..? who can i blame...? u or me? i dunno....all i can say, i really love you...no doubt for it at ALL!! i wish to walk forward wif u..longer den v can imagine...

About d past, good for u dt u hav a new life...thou my heart do ache abit wen i got to noe it, wad else can i do..jz hope dt u cud find a better wan den me as wad u desire for....=]

At least, there's sumthing cud make me felt happy recently is my parents bought me a new lappy after my lost!! loving my new alphine white lappy sooo muchhhiiiieee!!! ma new precious since oct14th,09....everything dt had lost cant even to be turning bak..especially all my photos...a total real beginning de..no way to flash bak at all.....anyway,thanks to palia fangfang and sarah for accompany me and help me anaylzing d pro and cons de! hehe..muackz!! ^.^

**mY pRecious**

Love,
Vinns

i love my life..i love my present...~~no doubt!

020809,sun..sunny day..recently,i'm quite enjoying my life...scheluded wif meetings, appointments,classes and not to forget,entertainment and movies~~!! "study hard, work harder and play the hardest!!"haha..enjoying the moments of bz life..though frustation coming non-stop,well its part of challenges in life de...still able to take it...

actually,sumthing seems playing in my mind for this few days bak...sumthing dt i wana get rid of it...sumthing dt i dun wana remember at all...sumthing dt i wana wash it away from my memories de..gosh..!!!i tot dt i had get over it long ago de....i tot dt i had let it down de...and seriously,its jz haunting me!! i hate this feeling....its start dragging my routine lifes as it had happen be4 long long ago...wheneva i'm alone or felt down after quarrelling, sumthing jz wil flash bak in my mind automaticly!!! there's no turning bak.....as things NEVER gonna attach together anymore~~!! its d end of us in d past till forever as v dun meant for each other as how u ever said be4...............no more,its d end...~~!!!

y....y...y.......i truly hate myself being in dis situation de....i keep questioning myself de...y..y its shadow appearing again...stop it...plz..let me go...wad i want now is my present...i'm happy wif my present...though ups and downs often happen and even misunderstanding & arguement often occur..well,its meant to be in order to hav a smooth and happy yet to understand more bout each other...

at times, i start to doubt dt the closest person around me dun seems to understand me well....wadeva at wheneva i try to voice out my sadness and frustation, i felt i'm such a fool as i dun feel dt i'm cared or wad...i even felt more stress at times..i felt dt i'm actually criticizing myself..i'm trying to make myself not worth even a single cent....diz causes me feeling even more down......i dunno who to go to as i noe dt i only loves you...only you.....
all this while, i tot when i'm lost...i alwiz have you around to hold me on to go through......but your shadow seems fading so much...its not dt i cant reach yours but i'm feeling dt you dun seems wana reach mine at all de....our perceptions in many ways seems so negative....not magnetic at all de...and belief it, v can even start a fire in each other heart when v are talking about someone else...!! v can even nearly argue cz of sum ppl dt dun worth at all!!! i felt so damn frustrated!!!! oh gosh~~!!! but,i try to swallow it.....trying to swallow my anger...my harsh words...i muz learn to control...i muz learn to 'lose'....i muz learn to be patient...cz i neva wana my past incident to repeat evr again in my life!!nightmare!!!...so i need....need badly to bao yung.....in order to have a stable wan....cz i am serious in my present....very serious.....hmmm...so no matter wad it takes, its worthy as i noe you are doing the same most of the times....may v cud be unstoppable...

no matter wad,i never ever doubt my love for u....as i noe its for real....nth can replace u....as for the past shadow, i truly hope dt it can stop haunting me immediately.... as i need no one else in my life,i only need you...........only one and d only you.............

Vinns

^nth seems important to anyone anymore...^

200709,mon..clear day...i'm tired...especially mentally condamn...hmm...recently many things happened..its just like roller coaster,speeding up and down...it just dun seems to end...
academic,i really need to put a damn great effort in it in order to survive..but at times, sumthing is just keep stopping me from me achieving it de...though i paused a lil while, i stil keep moving de...at times, i felt tired...but when i tink about wad i desire in d nenxt few years time, i just need to emerge to succeed!!! my good sec,wanling is keep reminding me to attend class..loving her so much de...haha..i also got a good laoshi,palia lim aiteing who gives me support de..hehe..thank you so much...i will work it out this sem!!!
personally,lik i say...i'm tired de...hmm...i dunno what to do anymore de....wen u're down, when i call u to try brighting up your mood,u say no need..continue your work.... but when i dun do anything, you say i'm not making any effort...sighhh...tell me...wad shud i do de...teach me...guide me....maybe recently u're tired cz not enuff sleep or wad...but i jz feel dt evrything dont seems to right now...jz everything............i jz cud not feel d sweetness and passion of you anymore...belief me,deep in my heart,...its tearing apart...bleeding silently....without your knowing......................

Vinns

its time to be bak on my own^^

130709,sun..clear day...finally i had a complete day rest after being bz and time being packed wif occasion and meetings de...within just a day,lot things happen de...i start doubting myself,am i on the right route de...hmm...matters and problems dt buried beneath my heart had been even voiced out...but you just tink it isnt a problem at all de...hmmm...
theres a gap...i dunno how to describe that gap de...d closeness and sweetness dt i cant feel it deeply already de..when i'm angry, u dun make much efforts to make me happy...izzit because we are toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo close or near...is everything bored now??? you start to know me more...understand me more....but i jz feel sumthing is missing...sorry for being so demandfull all this while...all myfault...i shud not hav been this way....am i too pick point on u?? hmmm...mayb this had causes u stress and felt being tight only wif me...it seems dt u dun lik it..........i noe i noe dt i seems counting on u toooo much de.....i noe its not right anymore...
from now onwards, i will be bak myself de....i dun wana burden you anymore...i dun wana u to tink dt i'm just making use of you...i'm not de..i will not demand anymore....i'm too selfish...rarely consider how u feel all dis while especially on pleasing my way..i'm wrong...i'm sorry...deeply sorry....i will set u free..as bird..do wadeva you want.....
i'm out of words...i try making efforts to make it colourful...but it seems dt hearts are not being attached properly..its not there anymore......just not anymore............ =[

Vinns

being a fool..treated like a fool...

050609,fri..sunny day..right now, freaking free online at jusco s2 after meeting with sum dealers...actually just passing by time to await for fren to finish work de...surfing the net and watching movie is the best thing to do but kinda sleepy now cz last nite bz wif FB de..haha...
yest was a bad day for me de...lotx things occur...sigh..sumtime i wonder, am i doing the right thing??..as in, making out plans & suprises..but sum1 seems not to bother much...making me feeling and looking so foolish de...just like fool preparing and arranging this and that ,no one giving a damn...walau...i was so hurt....though i noe no matter how much i give in, i should not demand anything in return...i noe..i noe..i dint expect anything,i really dont but just dun make me feel that sum1 dont even bother to loook at it de...sigh...this causes me feel lik stopping there and dont wana continue wasting my time...aikz...but its juz a instant feeling..sure mm xie tuck wan de...so last nite,everything was like give and take...forgiven de..wad to do wen my love for you is even deeper more than anything...so now, yet still wif plans and hoping you willbe pleasant with my deeds and efforts....

another chapter of my life that causes me a terrible heartache is the closest to person in my life ever since I'm born...this circle is a circle that i often refuse to bother much but their words seems like a sharp spear that could able to cause my heart bleed even though its just verbally...i just dont understand why they cant stand on my situatiion and think of it...why they only know how to asy i'm not good at dis dat..i'm stupid at dis dat....i'm stubborn at dis dat..its out of my control!! eg,if i got offer job at kl,obviously i'm accept it,its money man!! dun tell me dt, they expect me to sit at home and wait for money to fall down izzit??!! damn...accussing me dt i'm doing nth and only noe how to waste money..saying i'm uselss...but in front of me, saying i'm dis good dat good...walau~~!! wad kinda human is dis??!!!! i tot they hav a changed perception on me when i'm showed and give and take wif them....and now, they are playing words wif me...trying to be traitors!!!! i dint expect this to happen in dis circle...anymore....though it used to happen be4....am i not good enough huh??!!! am i not tolerating enough??!!just dont make me as a fool..as ur puppet..i'm not more in your control!!! if u dare, say it in front of me and not behind me....dun force me doing this dt i'm not suppose to treat you...dun test my patients...just wait till i'm done with studies....and u're saying those words dat accusing me dis and dat....you will c...i hate to feel dis way....so i juz neva put a heart to dis circle..i rather to live on my own...survivng on my own.......

Vinns