Gray-Scaled Days...

~Be thankful of their existence in life~

*101211, fri.. rainy night*

Alright, it had been a week since I'm back to Singapore from Msia. Well, what makes a difference, actually is nothing. Whether I'm at SG or MY makes no difference (to you or anyone), that's the main point.

"Vinns, face it! Be realistic and please stay awake at ALL time! Can't you??? "
I often remind myself. Hmm... I know.. I truly know all these facts and the reality but its the heart and feelings is still showering me. Stop... please stop, don't haunt me. I already feel that I'm not myself at all. I really do.
Cause, I'm indeed how I am as per the email I wrote to you 2 years ago in Journey of My Love which I bet that it won't ever rings a bell to you. If you only see this blog, If only you see back the emails.. hmm.. and next action is that you will delete it...
Every single words in it represents exactly how I am. Is Exactly.

Last weekend, going office at 1am till the next day 2pm. Even This whole week was terrible hustle to me as waking up at 8plus am and reach home earliest at 1am plus to 4am. $$$ is hard earned. However, I does not like the environment. Not happy working. Don't ask me why. I don't know. I might not be extremely good but I just have my stands to ensure what is wrong and right.

Busy days help alot in many ways. At least, all I had in mind is to sleep and work only. This is the recent me.
A person who does not think much of the future. Flowing exactly how the water flows without any precaution (Tired of it). Does not hope and not being imaginative (as no one really will know what will happen the next hour; I experienced it_many in sudden occur just like that and impact your life ENTIRELY). Thus, I could be really frank that I have nothing in mind as just passing one day by the other. No goal or destination yet a grey journey. Its not that I give up in life, but its just that I walk without a soul or a motive, it seems to be naturally.

The great lost causes me lost and even lose the entirely ambitious & confident Vinns SYN. However, your existence indeed shapes how I am and coloured my life beautifully+joyfully with memorable moment and now its all gray-scaled.
While, you are enjoying every single bit of your time happiily at this every second, I really do envy you. Envy you that a person who used to love me so much and deep yet an apple of the eye to you, now could let go just like that and enjoying new environment/surroundings. How did you do it? Salute...

At times, I really hope, one fine day, i lost my memory. All memories. All these while, my life is meaningful when your shadow reaches mine. I walked with pride and love. Now, since its gone, I often hope that, it will be gone with my memories,together it disappears and erased, as in all of it since I'm born. At least, I could be a white paper. Start everything again. All over again...I don't mind.

Rising up alone is harsh... darn harsh and tough...painful~
God, please do take me with you if you feel that I'm mentally tortured and suffered enough.
Although, daily seems nothing but deeply in me, heart bleeds. Non-stop silently...

Vinns

Dull Films

~Just walking on without direction, following how it flows~

*241111, thurs... rainy day*

Actually I wanted to blog my feelings since monday. However, once I'm in front of lappy, my mind was blank. Don't know what to flatter out.

Ever since last weekend, thanks to those shoots, makes my mood shakes for a short moment and till this every second, I could say that my feelings is flat. Dull. One tone ahead. I don't know why. Even, I don't know how to share with my close friends of how I am. No words able to describe myself and the inner me. Thus, I remained calm and steady as I do not know how to picture myself.

Day & night, time passes by. Doing the same old routine. In between, laughter and smiles happen to be seen on my face but it just does not last. Its not that I wana be very particular or keeps on thinking, but it just happen naturally. Seriously, I don't know what I'm thinking too. Memories just flashed in sudden or nothing plays in my mind. Just blank. That's it.

I am missing something very important here. Its the 'sparks'. I Lost it. I am wandering to search it back. However, I'm still not there. Probably, Im still adapting and healing slowly while other people are enjoying life and walking on daily happily with their lovely frens. I'm just a passer by on street to other people. Indeed I am.
Yet I hope that at this mean time, no other soul will appears to fool my feelings. I will easily fall for it & knock on ground again.

Don't do so...
If its true, spare it with sincere and action...

Love,
Vinns

what's in me~

171111, thurs... Clear night

Since last week till now, I started to enjoy swimming. Working out. All such making me to have some lil desire to walk on daily. At least something healthy huh? I think so... Seriously, I sux in swimming but I just enjoyed the moment I dive in the pool. It feels I'm being covered. Not alone. Well, this is all I desire in my life, having someone to pampered me and showered me with sincere love. That's all. Well, it seems tough to fulfill this. So, lil diving in pool does satisfied me since it's unreachable for now or maybe not at all, anymore.

Previously I remembered that I said I could not find myself back, if you ask me, have I found it now?

I will say, maybe yes... Maybe no.. (at least better than not at all right?) anyway, I still heading to no where as at now. Flowing with time. I never ever dare to dream much of my route, as I planned too much and hoping too much had drown me twice. Phobia and conflict within myself.

And it's going to be the end of the year which suppose to be the best happening time of the year. However, it's seems pretty dull to me. I wished dt I'm not alone during Christmas Eve and New Year Eve.

If only... Hmmm

Lonely,

Vinns